What’s Brewing Under the Surface?

A delicate balance is often required to keep me in my happy place. Not too much work as it stresses me out and not too little as that leads to anxiety and worry. I’m not sure if I am really weird, just a bit odd or totally normal. I write down my thoughts here at My Little Blue Kayak and then I hit the “Publish” button for the world to see. Generally my words are positive, express gratitude, and hopefully lead people to smile and nod their head in agreement.

I used to say I was a simple person but I am learning that is not accurate. I strive to be simple but on the inside there is a lot brewing. I tend to be introspective and am not a people person. I prefer to be alone or with close family or friends. I would be perfectly happy if I never had to attend a large social gathering again in my life.

With that in mind, I am unsure how I ended up in a job where I have to deal with people all day long. I mean that literally. I work 1:1 with patients in a nursing home filled with people. There is no office to hide in, no quiet space to do paperwork. Just a counter top with 4 chairs and several stools to sit on. When I leave work at the end of my shift I am physically exhausted and emotionally drained.

I just returned from my extended vacation and have worked one shift and booked three more. I was pretty happy about having a few things scheduled. Then, I get a text that a co-worker will be out for an extended period of time and my boss wants to know my “availability”. That simple text got my heart racing and my thoughts spiraling.

In the past, I would have shot off a quick response to the “what is your availability” text accepting all of the available work. The section of my brain reserved for worry goes into overdrive when I am not busy working. I would have calculated how much money I would be able to earn during that time period and would have happily marched into work for my first few shifts. The part of my brain reserved for stress though would kick in by the third shift when I would be dog tired, aching all over and emotionally spent.

Luckily, I have learned a few things about myself over the last few years and I resisted the urge to accept all work offered. Instead, I went into the bedroom, closed the door and took 10 minutes of quiet time. I thought about the fact that I hadn’t worked in a month due to an extended vacation, I thought about the recent loss of one income stream, I thought about my monthly bills. I also thought about my need for downtime, alone time, and time in my happy place. I thought about balancing the need for income with my physical and emotional needs. Then I took a deep breath and accepted an additional 20 hours per week for 3 weeks. I told my boss we could touch base after the first week to book or the following weeks.

Sometimes I over-book myself to make up for periods of down time and sometimes I say no to shifts that I later regret turning down. But overall, I am incredibly grateful that I am in control of my schedule and that I can generally keep it flexible and sane. I am learning to trust my process of earning an income and living my life strategically on the path I have set. Now if I could just keep in mind that worrying is a useless emotion I could save myself some inner turmoil! The only thing that ought to be brewing under the surface is a nice cold beer!

Lake Girl