My alarm went off this morning at 5:45AM which is pretty typical. What happened next was not at all part of my normal routing. First I hit the snooze button and cuddled up closer to my honey. I was not ready to start the day. Then I reminded myself I had to work at 8:00 and I better get moving. I reached for the phone to turn off the alarm and hit a glass of water. I knocked it over and heard the gentle pouring of the contents all over my nightstand. “Shit, shit” I uttered and tried to get myself up. I was moving in slow motion and having trouble opening my eyes. By the time my feet hit the floor the water was running off of the table, over my journals and onto the floor.
I blindly stood up and tried to move, I realized my phone cord had tucked into my slipper. I was tethered, I gently tugged my leg and pulled the phone onto the floor. I walked into the bathroom to grab a towel to wipe up the mess. I tried to be quiet but I believe the profanity woke my honey up. I called myself an idiot and snuck out of the room.
This is not going to be a good day…
What happens to you when you have a morning that starts off so badly? Do you succumb to the negativity that surrounds you or do you shake it off? This was one silly misstep and it almost ruined my day.
Imagine when our minds are caught up in something serious. Can you picture the negativity in the room? The black cloud not only overhead but engulfing us and everyone around us.
Some people essentially live their lives in this black cloud. Their inner voice calls them an idiot and they believe it, the listen to it and eventually they start behaving like one. They are no longer able to see the positive and simply believe life is crap, people suck and nothing is going to go their way. They are so negative they bring down everyone in their midst and pretty soon their life is crap and people do suck and nothing ever does go their way. Do you know someone like this? Their bucket needs some serious filling by the rest of us.
Some of us put on a happy face and deny our feelings. We say we feel fine when we are upset, we say life is good when things are not good. We live in a bubble that is always about to get popped. And when it pops, everyone around is surprised at the emotional mess we really are, the face we never show anyone, not even ourselves. I remember once in the midst of a crisis at work I asked one of my staff how he was doing. He responded he was OK and that “I keep my bubble close”. I knew exactly what he meant. I tend to keep my bubble close too and pretend I am fine even when I am not fine.
On this particular morning, I was lucky and did not succumb to the negative energy that swirled around me. I managed to shake it off and went about my normal routine. By the time I finished my quiet time I was able to smile to myself. By the time I finished walking the dog I even managed a chuckle. I know I am not an idiot but that negative voice inside of my head always try to convince me otherwise.
I went to therapy once many years ago and my therapist gave me a homework assignment. (Remember everyone needs therapy – even you!) She asked me to simply sit quietly for 10 minutes every day. She wanted me to hear what that cruel voice was saying so I could learn to deal with it instead of avoid it. I don’t know about you but learning to not tune that voice out (even for a few minutes) was really difficult. My first attempts at sitting quietly were a complete an utter failure. I was so anxious I would jump up and start cleaning my apartment like a mad woman.
What if we learned to accept our feelings and the negative voice as data, as information? What if we learn to analyze them to determine what it is they are trying to tell us? I think that voice inside of us is letting us know what it important to us, what we value. It is not the truth, it is not the gospel, it is not right. It is simply information.
In the past, my inner voice would whisper “idiot” and “stupid” to me a lot. I would hear it and then cover my ears and ignore it. I would bury my head in the sand and pretend that voice didn’t exist. I would keep my bubble close and not let people in. When I began to acknowledge what it was saying, I was surprised. I started a thought journal and kept it by my bed for a while. Other feelings, emotions, words began to fill that page. Words like “fraud”, thoughts like “you don’t know what your doing” and “you are stupid”.
My inner voice is not kind, she is not my friend, she does not have my back. But there is value in what she communicates to me. She communicates that I value doing good work, that I value doing things right. She beats me up a bit but I no longer hide from her. I have close friends that I let inside my bubble and that helps tremendously in terms of dealing with negativity from both myself and others. I also find writing down my feelings is helpful and manage to fill a spiral notebook when really upset about something!
I am learning to challenge my inner voice. To hear what she has to say and then counter her remark. When she whispers “you are stupid”, I respond “No I’m not, I have a Master’s Degree and a great deal of common sense”. When she whispers “you are a fraud”, I respond “stop being such a perfectionist”. Ignoring the negative comments (fraud) but listening to the hidden value (do good work) allows me to step up my efforts without getting beaten up!
It is easy to get caught up in the negative energy that surrounds small events in our lives. This negative energy is everywhere and seems to amplify when activated. I could easily have gotten caught up in the negativity on this particular morning. I could have walked around with a black cloud over my head and put a pissy spin on everything that didn’t go my way. I could have brooded, wallowed, stewed and marinated in it. The scary thing is that this was one silly misstep and it could have ruined my day.
But not today – today I chose happiness!
Lake Girl
