When I was a kid, my Dad used to call me “Mouth”. He had a few nicer nicknames for me but that one stands out. I had a lot of words, talked fast and basically never shut up. I yelled when upset and excitedly told anyone who would listen everything on my mind. I remember fighting with a sibling and getting yelled at by my Dad. I wanted to know why he only yelled at me and not her; his respone was “you are the only one I hear”.
When grappling with a problem, my internal voice is loud, frustrated and has a lot of words. It is kind of like I was as a kid! I can get caught up with this inner conflict and live in my head for days at a time. I call this “Stinking Thinking” and although it seems like I am working on whatever problem is whirling about, I am really just letting anxiety and worry take over the space in my head.
I am quieter as an adult but rarely at a loss for words. Writing on this blog is one way I continue to use my voice to tell anyone who will listen whatever is on my mind. Writing helps me cut through “Stinking Thinking” and clarify my feelings. My thoughts can be jumbled and confusing; writing allows me to figure out which thoughts are worth keeping and which ones belong to my inner critic or to the devil on my shoulder. Writing is my therapy and we all need that!
Lately, I have no words, I seem to have lost my voice. I try to write but seem to have nothing to say. I have several very initial drafts but there is nothing worth publishing. Maybe I have said everything woth saying? Maybe my therapist has gone on vacation!
Luckily, I am not caught up in “Stinking Thinking” and my inner critic and the devil on my shoulder have been quiet. I am not grappling with internal angst; I am simply quiet and don’t have much to say. It is actually kind of nice to not be stuck in my own head.
My Dad would tell you to enjoy the silence!
I am spending the bulk of the winter in Florida with Mom and Child #7. My days are filled with spending lots of quality time with Mother Fran, hanging with my sister and walking the neighborhood with Fenway. We watch football, Syracuse Basketball and root for Jeopardy Amy. We play Canasta, Tripoly, Dominoes and Rummy. I have even started helping Mom with her puzzle. I enjoy listening to audiobooks and have read a dozen since I arrived in the middle of November.
I am becoming a “Snow Bird” and don’t miss winter in the least. I did wake up at 6:08 this morning to an emergency tornado alert. Figuring out how to respond to this was somewhat comical. I put on sweatpants and ambled out to the living room with my fluffy purple blanket. I debated grabbing my sneakers, wallet and hoodie but that seemed like a lot of work. I layed on the couch outside of Mother Fran’s room and watched the storm. I really have no idea what to do in the event of a tornado but being comfortable seemed important.
Life is good but admitedly a bit quiet in my kayak (and in my head)!
How about you?
Lake Girl