I like to think I am a simple person, someone who is not complicated. Someone who puts on no pretenses and what you see is what you get. I lived in this fantasy world for most of my life until I went through a particularly challenging time and those rose colored glasses were scratched and then smashed. At least that is the time that I believe I started to wake up to my own complexity.
About 10 years ago, I went through a 1-2 year span where I lost five important people in my life. They ranged in age from 29-62. I felt numb for a long time and then I went through a difficult break up. Until that time, I was always able to put on a happy face. I could pull myself together and present myself as a composed, happy, easy going person. But by the end of that 2 year span, after losing 5 people who were too young to die and having my relationship crumble, I just couldn’t do it anymore.
What I remember from the next few months is walking, talking and crying. I would walk the dog twice a day around the local reservoir. While I walked I would talk on the phone to friends and usually end up sobbing. I was a mess and I can never thank my friends enough for putting up with me. I was sick of hearing myself but none of them ever complained. I have amazing friends!
On some level, we all lead at least 2 lives. The one we show outwardly to others and the one we only let ourselves see (or hide away even from ourselves). Up until this point in my life, I don’t think I knew I was not just a simple, happy go lucky kind of gal. I didn’t know myself or trust myself (much less anyone else) enough to explore the inner workings of my mind! During this time period, I got to know my inner stranger; I even let my friends meet her!
We all have a face that we hide away forever and we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone.
Billy Joel
If I didn’t have close friends to rely on, to listen, to share, to laugh and to cry with; I don’t think I would have come through that experience stronger than before. But I did, today I am stronger, healthier, happier than I was 10 years ago. I know myself better, and I am better able to deal with whatever life throws at me. I am better able to get back on my feet when other people or life knocks me down!
We all present ourselves to the world differently. Some of us only show our strong side and no one ever gets to see us when we feel vulnerable. Some of use only show our agreeable side and we never have an opinion of our own. Some of us only show our happy self and we pretend everything is perfect.
I still struggle with this when I come home from a tough shift at the nursing home and my honey asks “how was your day”? Such a simple question but rarely a simple answer. I have been talking about this with some of my co-workers lately and I know they can relate. When I finish a shift, I am physically tired, emotionally exhausted and not ready for human interaction. When I go to sleep at night, the events of the day are often still buzzing in my head. Did I do enough? Did I handle that well? Did I communicate effectively?
Can you relate?
Some days I crawl into bed for a bit just to bury my head under the covers in an attempt to let go of the day. When my honey asks “how was your day”, I try to smile and say fine but often only get out a slight shrug of the shoulders. She has learned to read the signs and gives me a hug and the chance to talk about what is bothering me which helps tremendously.
It is important to remember that the people in our lives that we love the most have struggles that we may not know about. Being a good partner, friend or sibling includes paying attention when our loved ones need us and listening to their words and actions. And letting people in is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of trust, and when others let you see their hidden stranger, they trust you and that is a sacred thing. It is as if they hand you their heart and ask to treat it with care.
Lake Girl
